


forever halloween

by comeapart



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Halloween, M/M, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 08:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9430016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeapart/pseuds/comeapart
Summary: there's a halloween show and alaska's lonely.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> look what you started / the temperature's rising in here/ is this gonna happen? / been waiting and waiting for you to make a move

Alaska hadn’t seen any of her friends in months. After winning All Stars, her life had been a mix of overseas gigs and shows that didn’t let her do what she wanted, and flights to places she probably couldn’t pronounce even sober. Her twitter had been left for dead in terms of actually tweeting, and her social media was just bookers posts by now. It was kind of ridiculous that she felt something, after the numbness that followed Drag Race. It wasn’t even Alaska’s show, but Halloween was sacred to her, and half of her friends were booked for the gig. It just made sense that she had to go, especially since it was in LA.

She settled on something cute for the occasion, something that meant she didn’t have to actually go buy a costume. It was pretty similar to her normal drag, when she actually got down to getting into it. In fact, it was her normal drag. All she had done was draw whiskers on her cheeks and a button nose for good measure, adding bangs to the mass of wigs pinned into her hair quite simply because she could. Someone would call her out later, but she didn’t care.

She was late, because it wasn’t her show, and she wasn’t about to walk past the line outside in full drag. She was too recognisable now, people stopped her for photos when she was out getting groceries, and as much as she didn’t mind it, she wasn’t at the show to perform. She was there to watch, and to see her friends, and probably drag them out to a club afterwards. She made the uber driver take the long route, arriving half an hour after doors and sneaking in through the back, being greeted by Willam in half-drag.

“You’re late, bitch,” Willam had laughed, pulling her into a hug before looking her up and down and rolling her eyes. “This is cute. C’mon, everyone’s upstairs. Meet and greet just ended.”

Realistically, Alaska knew that nobody would be surprised that she was there. Willam was the only one who had known, mostly because Alaska had texted her and made sure that she would be able to get in, but she did see everyone pretty regularly. Emotionally, she’d pulled away from nearly every friend she’d made. Twitter was overwhelming with death threats and hate that seemed a little too real to be a joke, and she’d gotten into the habit of ignoring texts under the guise of being too busy. It wasn’t obvious that she wasn’t okay, but a few people had caught on. Courtney had come over a couple of times to check on her, and her mom had suggested seeing a therapist once after a long phone call about the future and winning the race. 

When Katya saw her, she hugged her extra tight. She was the only one in the dressing room, in full drag, but she was missing eyebrows. It was kind of cute, and Alaska couldn’t figure out why, but she liked it. Katya didn’t let go until Alaska pulled away, looking up at her and smiling, mumbling something about missing her before making a joke that Alaska definitely laughed too hard at. Katya noticed, too. She didn’t know what was worse. 

Alaska gave a shitty excuse before pulling herself away, but Katya grabbed her arm, letting go almost immediately when she saw her flinch. “You know I’m here for you, right?” God, Alaska hated that. She didn’t need help. Or pity. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but her own that people sent her hate. It wasn’t Katya’s fault that people liked her, that she was the fan favourite. 

“I’m okay, girl. I’m just tired. Thank you,” Alaska drawled, pulling her arm away from Katya before looking down at her. Fuck Katya and her blue eyes and the way she knew everything about Alaska without asking. Maybe Courtney had told her, which would’ve been worse. 

“I’m serious. You’re welcome to come over anytime, I’m crashing at Tracey’s right now, but we can trash her house and break twitter if you want,” And Alaska knew it was a bad idea. Alaska really did know it was a bad idea, because Katya had mentioned twitter, and that meant that she knew about the shit people sent her. Alaska just nodded and smiled, agreeing to whatever. She could cancel the plans later. 

She didn’t really relax until Adore entered the room. She was carrying an armful of gifts and letters, and she looked happy. She looked so genuinely happy to meet people, and it made Alaska’s steel heart warm. Drag was meant to spread positivity, not what Alaska had been receiving for months now. She dumped her stuff by Ginger and Tatianna before looking around, realising Alaska was there, and grinning. 

She didn’t say anything, walking over and launching herself into Alaska’s arms and hugging her tighter than any of the other queens had. It felt sincere, like Katya’s hug had been, but without any guilt. It was hard to act like she was completely okay with being told she deserved to have acid thrown at her, or be hit by a car, or whatever horrible thing one of the team Katya fans had decided to come up with, but she knew it wasn’t Katya’s fault. She didn’t doubt that Katya would tweet about it later, telling people to be nicer or some shit. Katya was the queen for the people, clearly.

It wasn’t that Alaska was always sad. She had good days where it didn’t affect her, but she had a habit of reading too much into things. But even on her worst days, Adore could put a smile on her face. It was the attitude, the fact she didn’t give a shit. Alaska was pretty sure they were too similar for their own good, both anxious and both great at hiding it. In a way, it was the same for Katya, except there was tension within that friendship. Adore had never gone through the stress of competing against Alaska in the same way, and it had definitely made things a lot easier. Adore was good vibes personified, Alaska was pretty sure. 

Adore finally pulled away after a few moments, looking up and grinning. “You bitch, you’re meant to tell me when you’re here. We could’ve gotten high at Roy’s place or something, Laganja hooked me up with new shit today,” She started, moving her hands from Alaska’s sides to her arms and laughing to herself, “I missed you.”

“You do know I live here, right?” Alaska laughed, biting her lip and probably pulling off half of the gloss she’d applied earlier with her teeth. Something about Adore made her feel warm. 

“Yeah, but you’re never home. You’re too busy for little ol’ me, I know it,” Adore pouted, letting the green strands of the unbrushed wig cover her cheek as she tilted her head. 

“I’m never too busy for my Adorm,” Alaska smiled, moving the hair from Adore’s face and shaking her head. “Are you singing tonight? Or lip-syncing?” 

“I was gonna do some Halloween classics. Hey, we should do our song together, Lasky. It’ll be fucking cool,” She laughed, throwing her head back before looking back to Alaska, and yeah. It would be cool. Alaska wasn’t going to ruin the one thing that had made her genuinely smile for the first time in a month.

They got high together, hotboxing one of the bathrooms right up until Adore was called away to perform and Alaska following suit, making her way to sit by the side and watch just out of the public’s view. She was warm inside, and she didn’t hate anyone. She should probably go apologise to Katya, but that would happen much later, when she was on her way home in another uber. They didn’t play I Look Fucking Cool until the very end, Alaska walking on on cue and making the crowd scream in a way that she hadn’t heard all night. 

She forgot a word, which nobody noticed, and at some point, Katya and Tatianna had walked onto the stage, Katya doing her gymnastics thing and Tatianna dancing. It felt good. It felt like what she had started doing drag for. It felt like passion and expression and it felt like what she wanted to be doing, even if it was just being high on stage with her friends. After the show, people slowed the horrible tweets, but a few were still there. The group hug between Adore, Katya, and Tati probably helped, but Adore caught her frowning at her phone and took it off of her, reading it.

It could’ve been worse. Some guy was threatening to knife her if she ever went to Texas, but he didn’t look particularly big, and Alaska travelled with security anyway. Adore raised her brows, blocking the user before handing it back. “You shouldn’t read that shit, y’know? I used to, but it just made me sad. Now I block people.”

“I should probably do that,” Alaska mumbled, putting her phone away and smiling at Adore. “I get so many of them. I don’t understand why people don’t like me. I watched All Stars, I know I wasn’t that bad.”

“It’s because you’re good at what you do, Lasky. You’re so good at what you do. And none of us had a chance, and they’re just upset because you finally got a crown to match the talent. Now c’mon, it’s Halloween! No being sad, or I’ll call Willam on you, and he’ll try and blow you,” Adore laughed, and Alaska did too. The idea of Willam being a punishment was hilarious. Maybe it was the weed, or the half-bottle of gin she’d drunk whilst watching the show, but everything felt better. 

They smoked again, and shared a bottle of wine after Adore had complained about anything harder hurting her voice. Alaska couldn’t stop thinking about her, and as much as she knew it was stupid, she really did like Adore. It wasn’t the alcohol, or the weed, or the show. Hell, the main reason she’d gone to the show was because Adore was there. She had nearly not gone because she was worried about Katya feeling guilty that Alaska had essentially jumped ship on twitter. 

It wasn’t until four am that the club thinned out, people leaving in cars and taxis and stumbling down streets, and Adore was telling Alaska that she really should go home. She didn’t really know how it happened, but then her hands were on Adore’s sides, and they were kissing, and it was so much better than she’d expected. 

Adore was all smooth, curves and soft skin and lips that were too eager. Alaska was probably too eager, too, but it was okay. It didn’t matter because Adore wanted her too. Before Alaska could say anything, they were in an Uber, Adore’s suitcase separating them until they reached Alaska’s apartment. Alaska texted Katya a string of jumbled letters, completely aware that it was barely readable, but she’d fix it later. Katya had left hours ago, and was probably asleep. 

Alaska got the door open with some difficulty, and the rest of the night was a blur. She couldn’t remember anything that happened when she woke up the morning after, but she was naked, her face still painted and eyebrows half-smeared off onto the pillow. Adore was naked too, ass pressed against Alaska’s stomach and breathing shallow, still asleep. 

Alaska checked her phone, and there were missed calls. There were a lot of missed calls. Several from Bianca, two from Courtney and Willam each, six from Katya and one from her manager. She checked her texts first, and yeah, okay. She could see why Katya tried calling so many times. From the looks of her texts, she had basically told her that she wanted to die, and that she was suicidal. It wasn’t necessarily wrong, but it definitely wasn’t appropriate to send someone at 5am on a Wednesday. She texted her back apologising, saying that she was hungover and that she’d call later, and left it at that. 

Her hand hovered over the twitter app, before deciding against it. She didn’t need to read hate. She had the best person in the world besides her, and she had to figure out what had happened the night before before she let herself feel bad again. Later that day, she would find out that Adore liked her just as much as Alaska liked her. They made the relationship facebook official on their secret accounts, and later that month when people started asking questions, they went public. 

Alaska was content, and it didn’t matter that people were getting tired of her posting pictures of Adore, because it made her happy. Courtney came over a lot more, and Bianca started booking shows with Alaska too. Finding the balance between comedy and music and everything inbetween wasn’t easy, but Adore made it easier. Alaska started using twitter again, too, and Katya ended up being one of her closest friends. Adore and Katya defended Alaska to the point that people stopped nearly entirely sending her hate. Besides, halloween was always going to be sacred to her.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i see my baby / she's starry eyed / i feel my bones break all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: today i found out that adore/alaska is called adoredelaska and also that people are really nice about my fic. i also realised i wrote enough to make it a three part series. kind of cute and kind of angsty + 2.5k-ish

Adore and Alaska had been together for a month and three days. That was exactly how long it took until people started to ask.

The first questions came when someone saw one half of Brian squared liking Alaska’s post on her private facebook, the one that she had under her actual name, where she was Justin and not just Alaska. There were rumours, but it was easy enough to ignore them. As far as people could figure out, it was just a fake account, or maybe a joke between the two of them. Alaska was pretty against actually coming out after the mess of Shalaska jokes and comparisons that were constantly sent to her, but if it made Adore happy, she could find it in herself not to care that much.

The next wave of questions came after Adore and Katya decided to spend the entire day tweeting about how much they liked Alaska. She had been in Europe, touring with her album, and she was on stage in the middle of forgetting the words to Slaytina before fans started screaming for Adore and then Katya. After the song, Alaska actually asked what was going on, to which she was given a screaming crowd talking about twitter and assuming that both of the queens were going to appear for a secret appearance. Alaska laughed it off, rolling her eyes and moving on with the performance, tweeting after the show to both of them and sending the patented snake-hearts. People started to like her more after that night.

The final questions came when pictures appeared of Alaska at Adore’s show, backstage, kissing her in a way that definitely couldn’t be taken as anything other than romantic. The staff had probably taken a photo, but the picture was undeniable. Alaska wasn’t in drag, but she was wearing her fluffy jacket, and her hands were on Adore’s hips. After the show, they both saw the pictures, and decided to get burritos before going back to the mostly empty apartment Adore had bought in Seattle. 

“So, what do you want to do about this?” Alaska asked after a silence that was a little too long, both of them sitting on the hardwood in the living room. After asking Adore to be her girlfriend who just so happened to be her boyfriend too, things had run pretty smoothly. They were inseparable, even if they appeared otherwise.

“I want to get married,” Adore drawled, looking up at Alaska before laughing hard, nearly launching her food into the air as she moved. Alaska laughed too, smiling and biting her lip. “We could just tell people. Is that cool?”

“Yeah. That’s cool. How do you want to tell people?”

“We could stream. Like, we can instagram it now. And then make a tweet tomorrow. Hey, you think we’ll be able to do BOTS together this year?” Adore nodded, pushing the fake curls out of her face before finishing off the burrito and grabbing her phone.

“Might as well. I don’t - You’re the technology guru in this relationship,” Alaska laughed, shuffling over and leaning into Adore as she set up the stream, going live. “Hieee.”

“Have you ever done Instagram livestreams before? They’re easier than Periscope. The comments don’t move as fast,” Adore said, completely ignoring the fact people were asking questions as she looked at Alaska, smiling up at her. “I do it sometimes when I demo songs. It’s a cool insight.”

“Yeah? I’m gonna have to watch sometime. Courtney texts me sometimes, telling me she can’t get you to talk to her so she goes and watches your streams,” Alaska smiled back, looking at the screen and reading over the comments. People were asking about relationships, Sharon, All Stars, and music. Since she had managed to stop reading comments on twitter and learnt to tune out the hate, actively reading everything seemed like it was overbearing.

“Courtney’s cute. We should go see her sometime, I think she’s in Seattle soon. I need to call her, I miss her. She totally calls me out when I ignore the group-chat.”

“Sounds like Courtney,” Alaska laughed, pressing her head against Adore’s shoulder as she took another bite of the burrito.

Adore turned her attention back to the instagram stream, reading out questions quietly to herself and not answering anything. After a few minutes, she moved the phone camera to a better angle, and cleared her throat. Alaska looked up at her, pursing her lips as she put the empty foil down into the pile of trash they’d managed to build after being in Seattle for a grand total of two days.

“So, as many of you have probably seen, some asshole at the venue took pictures of me backstage. First of all, fuck you. That isn’t cool. I come to play shows to be respected as an artist, and not to have cameras shoved into my private life. Second of all, surprise. Me and Alaska are official Team Adore Delaska- Is that our name? Fuck, I don’t know, if anyone has anything better then you’re welcome to rephrase that. But yes. We’re together. Oh, and thirdly, if you’re working for one of those websites that posts news, now would be a good time to take a screenshot and use it in the report,” Adore smiled, leaning in and pecking Alaska’s lips before pulling away.

“Am I actually going to have to learn the lyrics to our songs now?” Alaska asked, laughing as she looked back at the phone, reading the comments of mostly-nice fans congratulating them. There wasn’t really much to congratulate. They’d been together for a month now.

Adore talked for a few more minutes about mostly nothing, answering fans before ending the stream and locking her phone. They made out on the floor for nearly half an hour just because they could, both vowing to turn their phones on silent for the next day to let people get over the initial shock. Once Adore was out of drag, they showered separately, and fell asleep curled up into each other.

*

The next morning was weird, to say the least. Alaska’s mom had sent her several texts about safe sex, which was hilarious considering she knew about her past in trading her body for drugs and eventually getting herself clean, and had probably seen the videos of her and Sharon on stage before. Everyone had at this point. It wasn’t something that she was proud of, but it was her past, and therefore it was part of her.

The weirdest part about the texts from her mom was that since the first night, which neither of them could remember, there had been no sex. There had been some heated makeout sessions, with a little light groping, but no actual sex. And that had actually been okay, because everything still felt good. It didn’t feel like she was being used, or like maybe Adore only wanted her for her body, and Alaska liked that.

Bianca had texted her some warnings, telling her that coming out over Instagram was stupid and that she knew it was probably Adore’s idea. Courtney and Willam had spammed the group-chat with hearts, and Detox had sent her a text saying how proud she was. Roxxxy had tweeted her something sweet, and the rest of the queens that she worked closely with had at very least texted her. Alyssa had sent her a video message over WhatsApp, in which the entire Haus Of Edwards had congratulated them. Everything was weird.

Katya had left three missed calls, so Alaska called her back. Katya immediately congratulated her, adding on a request for a sex tape and a place to crash in Seattle for the weekend, to which Alaska agreed and let her go. She probably had to pack, so she didn’t think too much of it when Katya didn’t try and keep the call for too long.

Adore had disappeared, leaving a note on the side about going to see a dealer and meet up with her family. Alaska didn’t think too much of it, reading through her social media before retweeting Ru’s congratulatory tweet about their relationship, attached with a photo Alaska had never seen before of them. It was from All Stars, an image of them hugging before the talent show, with Adore’s face buried into Alaska’s neck. It was sweet.

Once Alaska was dressed, she grabbed the spare key, letting herself out and getting a cab to the local Target. She needed to get a car, really, but it seemed like too much work to find insurance for a second car to keep in Seattle when she lived in Hollywood. She bought a TV at Target, along with a DVD player and a cord to connect it to her laptop. The internet was already installed, thanks to the guy who Adore rented it from, so she settled on buying useless stuff to fit into the empty home.

She ended up walking back, carrying what must’ve been three rugs in one arm and several bags of stuff. It was a surprise that she hadn’t been robbed, and that she had managed to get fairy-lights in the shape of skulls for the apartment in the sale. It was going to be christmas soon, and as much as she loved Seattle, she wanted to be in LA with Adore. She managed to set the TV up, moving it into the bedroom and throwing more blankets onto the bed before checking her phone again.

Adore had a habit of deleting tweets. Courtney, as the good friend she was, had Adore on text notifications, and had sent Alaska a screenshot of what was happening. At first, Alaska wanted to die. And then she actually read the texts. What mattered was that Adore was okay, if not probably in a hospital. She had never called a cab quicker, cursing herself for not bothering to check earlier.

*

When the nurse finally let her into the room, Adore’s face lit up. The tweets had made it seem like Adore was about to die, with the wording ‘in an ambulance’ definitely not helping. Instead, she had managed to fall off of a wall she had climbed up onto, and landed on her wrist. It was being cast as Alaska sat besides her, audibly sighing in relief.

“And when were you going to tell me about this?” Alaska asked carefully, pushing the short brown curls out of her face as she looked down at the cast. “You know you can talk to me when shit happens, right?”

“Yeah, but this wasn’t important. It’s just a bone. They break all the time.”

“You tweeted that you felt like death and that you were in an ambulance, Adorm.”

“But I deleted them.”

“Girl, twitter is forever. People were tweeting me screenshots and shit, asking me if you were okay. I didn’t even know. I thought you were just out with family,” Alaska laughed, reaching out to touch Adore’s arm. “Just let me know if stuff happens, okay? I’m not… We’re together. You can talk to me.”

“I’m sorry, Lasky.”

“It’s okay. I can’t stay mad at you.”

*

Their first fight was just before Christmas Queens. Alaska wanted Adore to come with her, but Adore didn’t do Christmas. It was too capitalist, and it didn’t hold any value other than being an excuse for people to spend money. Alaska didn’t yell once, keeping her calm as she tried to convince her - if not for the holiday, for the excuse of seeing Europe and touring America with her. Adore called her fake, and told her not to call after the TV got smashed.

Alaska understood. So she waited. She waited the entire European leg of the tour for any kind of response, only being stopped in Birmingham by Katya after a whole tour of slightly-off performances. They weren’t obvious, but it was the emotion in her eyes, the drain on her ability to go out with everyone after shows. The fact that she didn’t want to do any extra than what she had planned, not even include herself in the fan-opportunity to perform with a queen in a lipsync.

The worst part was that Alaska wasn’t mad. She wasn’t upset, and she did understand why Adore didn’t want to travel. She had been callous, and it wasn’t fair to Adore to have asked her to come on the tour with her. Especially when there were so many queens joining them. And when Katya asked what was going on, Alaska explained. And Katya was always there to give perfect advice.

“Maybe you do need to talk to her. Just call her and figure out what’s going on. I don’t know, but I’d be upset if I’d accidentally yelled at my boyfriend and told him not to call. It just sounds like she’s stressed out, girl,” Katya had explained, “Now will you please come join me in sober drinking games?”

“What the hell is sober drinking games?”

“It’s drinking games, but I drink juice while everyone else gets drunk, and then I auction off photos of you all to unsuspecting and innocent twitter followers. Not all of us got 10,000 via PayPal, mawma.”

That was enough to set Alaska off into a fit of laughter, agreeing to join and playing never-have-I-ever with people who knew too much about her. At one point, Detox said something along the lines of ‘never have I ever fucked Adore Delano,’ and Alaska knew it was just because people wanted her to be drunker.

In their defence, it worked. Alaska was a lot drunker than everyone else, words slurring as she had to take another shot. It wasn’t until she appeared in Katya’s hotel room, with no memory of getting there, before she realised exactly how drunk she was. Everything was moving, and Katya was on Periscope while Alaska stared at the ceiling, still in full drag.

She knew she wasn’t supposed to be drunk. People knew that she was sober, clean, and better than the person she was on season 5. But she still got up, walking over to Katya and falling into her, managing to save her heel in some stroke of luck before kicking it off. Katya was saying something, clearly annoyed with the fact Alaska was trying to sit on her, but she didn’t care.

“Who are you skyping?” Alaska drawled, dragging out the words as she readjusted herself on her lap. “Hieeeeee.”

“I’m not skyping anyone. We’re talking about Brenda. You need to go to bed, Lasky.”

“No, but I want to talk about Brenda. I think she’s a woman of high fashion, she’s a lady of the night, she’s fierce. I want to be friends with Brenda, and kiss her. Katya, you’re so pretty. Why do all of my friends want to fuck you? Why do I?”

“I- uh, okay, Periscope over,” Katya stuttered, ending it and putting her phone down before looking up at Alaska. “You’re too drunk. You need to go lie down, on your side, and I’m gonna go get you some water and explain to you exactly why you need to not want to fuck me, okay?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we're all monsters living in a dream / so you be you and i'll still be happy / forever halloween

Considering the events of the night before and the lack of memory she had of them, things could’ve been worse. Things could’ve been much worse. Alaska knew immediately that things were off, waking up to texts from Courtney explaining things in words that her hangover couldn’t quite process. It took her several attempts throughout the day to actually get up, drag herself into the shower and finally clean herself up. 

When she got out, finally out of drag and feeling worse for wear, Katya was in the room again, having brought Alaska’s cases in with her. Or Brian, wearing something bright enough to give her a headache. Everything was uncomfortable, no matter how Alaska tried to place it. She shrugged the flannel closer over her shoulders, walking over to the bed and sitting up against the wall before clearing her throat.

“I don’t remember what happened last night, but I’m sorry,” Alaska mumbled, looking down at her hands before back up to Katya. 

Katya didn’t respond, staying quiet as she continued to pack her things back into the suitcase. The bus-call was probably soon, but Alaska was too hungover to care. She could deal with Michelle yelling at her later, and try and fix the mess she’d managed to make. She had a beautiful way of ruining everything she cared about, which her therapist had once said was a reflection on her own self esteem. Fuck him.

Alaska eventually got back up, shoving her things into her backpack and locking the zip on her suitcase, leaving them on the floor as she went back into the bathroom. She didn’t really have many options. Right now, she could either talk more to someone who didn’t want to listen, or call Adore and beg for forgiveness, or drown herself in the shower and try and pretend that she had never been in Katya’s room.

Before she knew what was happening, her eyes were watering, and her stomach was turning. It was lucky that she had been in the bathroom, otherwise she would’ve thrown up in the bed and probably made things worse. She flushed the toilet after, trying to get rid of the remnants of the night before. The only thing being sick had done was make the hangover hit harder. Katya was mad, and rightfully so, and Adore was probably still blanking her.

By some stroke of luck, someone had taken her bags down to the reception by the time she was out of the bathroom. Michelle was mad, but didn’t say anything as Alaska walked into the bus and directly to her bunk, very clearly on the verge of tears. Michelle had probably seen the periscope, or maybe Katya had told her. Alaska deserved to feel bad. She did bad things.

*

Alaska was the first to get ready for the next show, in full drag almost an hour before the meet and greet started. She had managed to send Adore two texts in the time it had taken them to get from Birmingham to Cardiff, one with a heartfelt apology and one with a list of reasons why Adore should yell at her. The silent treatment was getting to her, and as much as she knew it was bad, she wanted to fight. Fighting was healthier than bottling up.

Adore didn’t reply. Instead, she tweeted an emoji of a middle finger and deleted it moments later. Minutes after, she tweeted Katya something that shouldn’t have upset Alaska as much as it did. It wasn’t fair that she had to take all of the blame. It wasn’t even romantic, she had just been drunk and asked a question. That night, Alaska put the best Christmas show on that she could, and it still didn’t feel like enough. 

The tour ended that night, and moved to the Canadian leg. Alaska wasn’t due back until they reached the states, as the contract stated, so she spent the entire flight watching romantic movies and planning on how she could possibly make it up to her. Realistically, Adore might’ve not even been mad, but the silence was deafening.

Bianca tweeted later that night about how snakes shouldn’t be trusted, and said that being a ‘race chaser’ wasn’t a good look on other queens. She even referenced the song. Alaska took the hint. She would’ve visited Adore the second she landed, but by the time she was actually back in America, it was too late to know if she would actually be awake or not. The jet lag hit hard, and she paid premium for a hotel by the airport, crashing as soon as she touched the bed. 

That night, she had empty dreams. They felt like shadows of what should’ve been, never quite in full colour and full of regret. They left her restless, waking every time she managed to actually relax. 

*

It was arguably unhealthy how anxious Alaska got at the idea of being alone, without Adore. People had started to send tweets again, aggressive and rude and exactly what she deserved for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, to the wrong person. Katya was probably texting Adore by now, both of them talking about how terrible a person Alaska was.

Once she had finally managed to build herself up to the idea of being broken up with officially, she got ready, putting the clothes back on from the night before. She was Justin again, and she was tired, and she deserved bad things. When she got to Adore’s apartment, there were no fireworks or gunshots. Just silence, numbed by the background noise of a world that would go on despite her feelings.

She debated letting herself in, but decided to knock. It was probably rude to let yourself into someone’s apartment after getting into a fight with them, and she had her suitcase with her, anyway. Putting it down meant having to pick it back up.

Adore opened the door after a few minutes, looking Alaska up and down. Time stood still in that moment, Alaska trying to figure out what Adore was thinking, feeling, and trying to process. The world could’ve ended in that moment, and nobody would’ve complained. Alaska went to open her mouth, stopping when Adore wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tight.

“You fucking asshole,” Adore breathed, pulling back and looking up at her. “You can’t even call me? You’re such an asshole.”

“You, uh… You told me not to call?” Alaska raised a brow, looking down and smiling, the anxiety starting to melt away with the realisation she’d let social media get to her again. Everything reminded her of halloween, and it felt lighter. Like the weight of her sins weren’t crawling on her back anymore.

“Yeah, but that’s not- Oh my god, Alaska, nobody fucking means it when they say not to call. I hate it when you have to go away for a weekend, let alone half of the month. Why do you think I facetime you so much?” Adore frowned, looking up at her and reaching up to touch her face again. 

“Why were you blanking my texts, then?” Alaska asked carefully, putting her case down to wrap her arms around Adore’s hips, pulling her closer.

“Because I was upset. You said you wanted to kiss Katya, was I meant to just be okay with that?”

“So you are mad,” Alaska mumbled, pursing her lips. “You were meant to yell at me. Or, I don’t know, be mad to me. Not just blank me. You don’t have to be okay with anything I do.”

“I mean, everyone knows you guys have like, chemistry. I saw it when I watched All Stars back, and I saw it when you guys did shows together. It’s just a crush, right? You’re… You’re allowed to have crushes. That’s like saying I’m not allowed to be best friends with Bianca,” Adore said quietly, looking down at her feet and sighing, “You’re being stupid. I’m not going to yell at you. You’re my boyfriend.”

“I’m still sorry, Danny. I’m really fucking sorry. Can I come in?”

“What are you, a vampire? This place is as much yours as it is mine, Lask. You don’t need an invite or anything to come in. I did replace the TV, though, just so you know.”

*

Alaska essentially moves in over the few days she’s back from Christmas Queens, deciding that she could deal with Seattle if Adore promised to come back to Los Angeles in the summer, when it’s warm. Paying two sets of rent was a little annoying, but she was rarely home anyway, and whenever she had shows in LA she could stay at her own place. It didn’t really matter with the amount she earned, and the amount that Adore pulled in from her own work.

On Christmas day, Alaska gets Adore a present even though she had complained about just how capitalist the day had become. Luckily, Adore didn’t complain when she unwrapped the ridiculous box, and saw the guitar that Alaska had picked out for her with the help of Trixie and Courtney. She spent most of the morning trying to play her own songs, and even covered one of Alaska’s songs as the day went on.

Adore’s gift to Alaska was perfect. It wasn’t something big or expensive, but it was everything she could’ve asked for and something she had as her own. Nobody else in the world had a song by Danny Noriega, specifically dedicated to Alaska and about Halloween. Alaska saved it to her phone later, and made Adore sing it to her, and tweeted about how the holidays were always better when they were shared with people that she loved. 

They spent the rest of the night celebrating, sharing sips of wine and watching all of the Christmas movies that Adore didn’t hate. They instagrammed from their bed, Adore wearing one of Alaska’s wigs as she purposely left it uncaptioned. People commented about how Adore should go blond forever. Alaska liked how they fit together.

Adore asks Alaska about gender, and how drag actually makes her feel. Alaska talks about how the lines get blurred, about how Alaska and Justin are the same person but they’re also two different people completely, and how it makes life easier and complicated at the same time. Adore decides that gender isn’t real, and that’s the end of that conversation. She leaves it at that, and makes a note to try and find the words to the tune in her head that fits how everything feels perfectly.

*

New Years comes and goes, and instead of dressing up in formalwear, Alaska books a show with Katya to do the countdown and wears her Halloween costume. When Adore asks why, Alaska shrugs and just helps her back into her own drag. They kiss on stage while Katya talks a little too much about resolutions and her youtube show, and Trixie. Things are going well, and they make their resolution to celebrate Halloween more.

Alaska goes to Aspen for a week after the show with Katya. Adore stays home and books shows locally, because she doesn’t like the snow, and when the Women's March comes, both of them join. Adore’s stuck in an airport, but she watches the coverage on her phone, and wears her hat proudly along with tweeting about the topic. Alaska invests herself in marching until the crowd was completely gone, being dragged back inside by Katya. They film the Aftershow together one night, and talk about love and a lot of other things that are cut out in the final edit. 

Halloween becomes the word for all of the events they celebrate together. Their relationship becomes less of a discussion topic to the public eye and more of an accepted fact, and they tweet about Valentine's Day as if it was Halloween. They both dress up as angels and post on instagram about it, captioning it with the pumpkin emoji instead of hearts. Instead of getting reservations at somewhere fancy, they go to a coffee-shop and Adore writes, because she’s been writing more recently and music fills her life moreso now than it ever has before. She gets a Halloween tattoo, thin letters on her chest that make Alaska blush.

There’s some confusion as to whether Alaska is trying to steal Sharon’s thing, which is ridiculous, because Sharon doesn’t own Halloween. She texts her ex late in the night, while Adore tries to teach herself a new chord to put into a song, and she has no hard feelings. If anything, she seems to rather like the idea that both of them could share Halloween, and suggests a roster of shows with the three of them. Alaska cuts her schedule back so she can spend more time with Adore, but she promises to get back to her on that eventually, when Adore actually wants to tour.

*

History repeats itself. Somebody says this. History throws its shadow over the beginning, over the desktop, over the sock drawer with its socks, its hidden letters. History is a little man in a brown suit trying to define a room he is outside of. I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking around to read this mess. i promise there'll be something else to look forward to, now this is over. the songs i referenced in the summaries were into you by ariana, flying at tree level by brand new and forever halloween by the maine. the poem referenced at the very end of this chapter is 'little beast' by richard siken, from his book 'crush'


End file.
